“That’s so cool,” she lied.
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I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
“Sheer Arrogance”