When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
You Might Also Like
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist