That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
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[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Siri: Retweet me.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.