[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
You Might Also Like
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
the official breakfast of 2021
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips