God, I love Scotland
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I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Don’t snitch tag.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work