That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
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Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”