The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
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I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
This is my cat’s medicine.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds