most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
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Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”