“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
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Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.