“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
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If cupcakes could talk, boy, there sure would be a lot of screaming in my house.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Her: Ok you hang up.
Him: No, you hang up first.
Her: No, you first.
Him: No, you first.
NSA: Both of you hang up.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.