The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
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i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf