The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.

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“At your cervix, m’lady”

– me as an OBGYN and also just me


If cupcakes could talk, boy, there sure would be a lot of screaming in my house.


People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.


I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore


Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.


*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.


“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met


Her: Ok you hang up.

Him: No, you hang up first.

Her: No, you first.

Him: No, you first.

NSA: Both of you hang up.


For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.