The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
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this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car