@bornmiserable
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
@Ms_Moneypenny_
The 1st to apologize is the bravest. The 1st to forgive, the strongest. The 1st to forget, the happiest.nnThe first to kill the other, WINS.
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@bornmiserable
@chuuew
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
@EffdotEss
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
@brianbowman73
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
@theshantilly
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
@SondraDeeMe
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
@stephenjmolloy
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
@HughGoesThere
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
@Cheeseboy22
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
@Ideal_Victoria
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes