@Ms_Moneypenny_
The 1st to apologize is the bravest. The 1st to forgive, the strongest. The 1st to forget, the happiest.nnThe first to kill the other, WINS.
@InternetHippo
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
@jwoodham
“How would you describe yourself in 3 words or less?” Doesn’t follow instructions very well.
@JohnBirmingham
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
@jazmasta
I’d catch a gently thrown tennis ball for you.
@Vhalechark
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
@reallifemommy3
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
@fuzzypantaloons
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
@ddsmidt
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
@Robert_Beau
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
@dave_cactus
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.