i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
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Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Pot warmers of the day.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch