The 1st to apologize is the bravest. The 1st to forgive, the strongest. The 1st to forget, the happiest.nnThe first to kill the other, WINS.

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ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*


Did U hear they’re remaking ‘Dirty Dancing’ & Miley Cyrus is gonna play the abortion.


Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes


I hate ramen noodles.

*Checks bank account balance*

I love ramen noodles!


*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*

FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92


The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.


So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.


Me: Dad, am I adopted?

Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?


Him: Would you like to join our club?
Me: What kind of club?
H: We can’t talk about it.
M: What are the rules?
H: We can’t talk about it.
M: Then why did you ask me to join your club?
H: What club?