@Ms_Moneypenny_

The 1st to apologize is the bravest. The 1st to forgive, the strongest. The 1st to forget, the happiest.nnThe first to kill the other, WINS.

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@dafloydsta

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*

@RandiLawson

Did U hear they’re remaking ‘Dirty Dancing’ & Miley Cyrus is gonna play the abortion.

@Spaziotwat

Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes

@JoshuaHvr

I hate ramen noodles.

*Checks bank account balance*

I love ramen noodles!

@daemonic3

*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*

FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92

@skedaddle74

The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.

@chris_isloi

So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.

@PS_IRuddYou

Me: Dad, am I adopted?

Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?

@Gupton68

Him: Would you like to join our club?
Me: What kind of club?
H: We can’t talk about it.
M: What are the rules?
H: We can’t talk about it.
M: Then why did you ask me to join your club?
H: What club?