The 1st to apologize is the bravest. The 1st to forgive, the strongest. The 1st to forget, the happiest.nnThe first to kill the other, WINS.

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God: Women will bleed for a week.

Universe: What will men do for pleasure at that time?

God: *sigh* Fine. Mouths. But they’ll talk. A lot.


I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.


My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!

Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless


I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.


Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”

Me: “To see if I can read minds?”


Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.


Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.


*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”

*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”


what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?


My 1-year-old stabbed a stuffed animal with a broken plastic spoon.

She learned to fight in prison.