sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
You Might Also Like
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.