The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
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“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away