Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
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My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
🤣🤣🤣
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*