Find out if the NSA is listening to your call by singing SWEET CAROLINE and if more than one voice responds with bum bum bum THEN YOU KNOW
The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.
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Penguin: what floor do you want?
Man: 5th please.
*penguin accidentally slaps all the buttons with his fin*
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Thanks for cradling your stomach in all your pictures because otherwise I’d never know you were pregnant.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
-guys who work in a crematorium