@iamMunga

The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.

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@ElizaBayne

Find out if the NSA is listening to your call by singing SWEET CAROLINE and if more than one voice responds with bum bum bum THEN YOU KNOW

@yaboydil

[In elevator]
Penguin: what floor do you want?
Man: 5th please.
*penguin accidentally slaps all the buttons with his fin*

@NotTodayEric

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

@turdfailure

They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.

@jellybnbonanza

Thanks for cradling your stomach in all your pictures because otherwise I’d never know you were pregnant.

@CharmandBrains

I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.

@FSUSteve

Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?

@squirrel74wkgn

Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.

@daddydoubts

I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.

@QwertyJones3

“What are you doing tonight?”

Gonna smoke some Herb.

“Nice.”

-guys who work in a crematorium