i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
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Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.