THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
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Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it