In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
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OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
A family that plays together cheats.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc