Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.

Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!

Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?

Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on

Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics

[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.

(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?

I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.

Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?

Me: After lunch, next question.

[Space]

No-one: I can hear screaming

My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating

Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack

I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.

I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them

Me: Your wifi isn’t working

Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!

Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder

Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”

Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck

I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.

I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.

♫When the moon hits your eye♫

You’ll be killed.

It’s massive.

A male goth is called a broth.

I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day

You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”

Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.

I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person

I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix

[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday

When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear

She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.

Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?

me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do

*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*