the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
You Might Also Like
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Feel. He’s so soft.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.