Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.

r kelly: will you touch this shower quick

king midas: why

I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.

*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?

*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*

I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —

Murderer:

TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation

You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.

Socialising is hard.

My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.

The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.

It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.

*at funeral*

Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.

Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.

I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.

to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house

Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.

Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle

⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜

[ first day working at a pet store ]

customer: can i see that fish bowl?

me: sure let me get his shoes

#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.

My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.

A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.

He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.

ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
　 O
　 　 　 O
　　 　　 o
　　　　　o
　　　　　 o
　　　　　o
　　　　 。
　　　 。
　　　.
　　　.
　　　 .
　　　　.
.

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

HER: men are so creepy

ME(from inside the walls): define creepy

*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good

Aliens: take us to your leader

Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you

Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya

CW- Google what?

* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit

* makes eye contact

*slow presses enter

All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED

Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.

Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.

Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.

Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?

*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*

[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it

[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?