The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
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Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
I like long walks away from everyone
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
I hope Alan is OK
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
There is wisdom there.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?