@outsmartedmommy

The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.

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@CoolFreak_Amy

Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?

@ComedicBust

Sometimes I’ll casually say “what else do you want?” on the phone, so the pizza guy thinks I’m ordering for more than just me.

@radtoria

Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁

@FlyJ_

My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.

@Brianhopecomedy

I texted my wife with “ROTFHAHA” & she replied with “LMAO” so I don’t think she understands that I’m having a heart attack.

@thatUPSdude

Me: So which one do you like? I like this one with the ocean in the background

DMV: For the last time sir, you can’t submit your own photo

@OllyiConic

god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec

angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad

@DaddyJew

Her: have you had the sex talk with our son yet?

Me: *looks over at son wearing crocs* I think we can wait a few years