The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
You Might Also Like
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.