The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus

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Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…

That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…


“I’ll do it after I’m dead”

People that don’t know how death works.


How do you stop a rhino from charging?

You take away its USB cable.


The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.


If you plug in a toaster and take it into the bathtub with you, it will get rid of your hiccups.


They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.


Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.


4yo son said the word prototype. When I asked him what it meant, he said “People are a prototype” and I was too scared to ask what he meant.