*Robot watches me vape*
Robot: mm yeah but swallow it
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
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Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Apparently Hooters is a great place to meet single dads on a Sunday.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
If you plug in a toaster and take it into the bathtub with you, it will get rid of your hiccups.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
4yo son said the word prototype. When I asked him what it meant, he said “People are a prototype” and I was too scared to ask what he meant.