The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
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Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
This is the best one I’ve seen
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
“A little help here, Danny?”
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Follow me for more fitness tips.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Pass gas, not judgment.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist