The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
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Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
I have questions??
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that