i want to work in this restaurant
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
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so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
your astrological sign + what’s to blame for all your problems
aries: the moon
taurus: the moon
gemini: the moon
cancer: the moon
leo: the moon
virgo: the moon
libra: the moon
scorpio: being a scorpio
sagittarius: the moon
capricorn: the moon
aquarius: the moon
pisces: the moon
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Still wake up in a cold sweat thinking about my love note that was passed to the wrong boy in kindergarten.