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My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW