@AlwaysAButt

the 5 girls who will absolutely ruin your life:

1. julia
2. julia
3. julia
4. julia
5. julia

julia if you’re reading this bring my goldfish back

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@jsteele3966

*knocks on woman’s washroom*

Hello anyone in here?

*no one answers*

*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*

HAHAHA

*runs away giggling*

@SvnSxty

*on the phone*

God: I’ve read it

God: Yes, SEVERAL hard reboots

God: A meteor

God: No warranty, no

God: I tampered with Pangea

God: You think I don’t know that?

God: *pulling hair* THERE’S NO RECEIPT

*spying*

Batman: Who’s he talking to

Robin: Holy tech support Batman

@SincerelyMen

“Seize the day” in Latin is “Carpe Diem” …”Seize the day” in Douchebag is “YOLO”

@garrettbarry70

A clown sighting was reported at the office this morning but it turns out Karen put her make up on in the car again.

@HomeProbably

I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.

Parenting is easy.

@david8hughes

[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?

@Jonesy_donkey

As I was tucking in my 8-yr-old, she asked me if it’s possible to “accidentally eat a squirrel”, and now I don’t think I’m getting any sleep tonight

@davidkenny100

Me: how much is all the money in the world?
Genie: not sure exactly
Me: give me a ballpark figure
POOOF
*I’m now the size of Shea Stadium

@KaysNH

A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.