*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
*runs away giggling*
the 5 girls who will absolutely ruin your life:
julia if you’re reading this bring my goldfish back
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Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
*on the phone*
God: I’ve read it
God: Yes, SEVERAL hard reboots
God: A meteor
God: No warranty, no
God: I tampered with Pangea
God: You think I don’t know that?
God: *pulling hair* THERE’S NO RECEIPT
Batman: Who’s he talking to
Robin: Holy tech support Batman
“Seize the day” in Latin is “Carpe Diem” …”Seize the day” in Douchebag is “YOLO”
A clown sighting was reported at the office this morning but it turns out Karen put her make up on in the car again.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Me: that is hilarious
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
As I was tucking in my 8-yr-old, she asked me if it’s possible to “accidentally eat a squirrel”, and now I don’t think I’m getting any sleep tonight
Me: how much is all the money in the world?
Genie: not sure exactly
Me: give me a ballpark figure
*I’m now the size of Shea Stadium
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.