The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
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Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
your honor my client chooses dare
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
We’ve all been there…
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
How do you like your Corgi?
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.