Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.

Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”

I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends

Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition

The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow

I’m not afraid of spiders.

I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.

Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.

Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.

Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.

[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”

The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look

I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.

You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”

[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]

Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!

“Toilet paper?!”

Amazon Tracking:

1. We’re not sure it exists.

2. Your package has arrived.

Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics

2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over

My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign

I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents

Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.

vegan witches, happy halloween!

Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself

My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.

Me: HAIL SATAN!!

Her: What?

Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.

me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME

I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.

When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!

me: what’s your biggest turnoff

her: noisy people

me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same