“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
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I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.