The 6 types of sex
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5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!