@imjustdiane

The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds

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@iGreenMonk

I got a new high score today.

Sadly, it was on my bathroom scale!

@theaditidebnath

idk why the judge was so mad i was snacking during jury duty when she’s the one who called for hors d’oeuvres in the court

@chunkbardey

whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”

@Mirimade

CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!

PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!

@XennDad

Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*

this bad boy can fit so many waves in it

@allymayn

it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test

@GrantTanaka

Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most

@girlontapas

Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”

*looking at glass of wine*

*turns off phone*

@thepaulahunt

Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.