The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds

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I got a new high score today.

Sadly, it was on my bathroom scale!


idk why the judge was so mad i was snacking during jury duty when she’s the one who called for hors d’oeuvres in the court


whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese


All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”


CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!

PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!


Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*

this bad boy can fit so many waves in it


it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test


Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most


Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”

*looking at glass of wine*

*turns off phone*


Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.