The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
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okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!