The 70’s called. They built a time phone.

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DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.

Me: I am mad.

DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.

Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.


professor x: what’s your power

me: time travel and a full head of hair lol

professor x: get out

[5 seconds later]

professor x: what’s your power

me, wearing a hat: time travel


After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.


This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.


I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.


If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.


Coworker: What was your college major?

Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.


[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*

[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?


ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*