@Kingsroc
@amandajpanda
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
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@amandajpanda
@_elvishpresley_
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
@Brianhopecomedy
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
@dmc1138
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
@kimtopher22
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
@JosesLovesYou
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
@LindaInDisguise
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
@squirrel74wkgn
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
@KalvinMacleod
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*