The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
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I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
How dude HOW?!
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Has there ever been a more American story?
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Cinematography is my passion
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.