I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
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It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”