The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
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friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Goodnight 🐶
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey