It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
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HR writing an email saying I’m a naughty girl is not an acceptable excuse to not take awareness training…
HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
how come i dont pee bubbles when i drink Sprite
[hits it again]
ah guess its ok, wouldn’t want a tingly dingus
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes