The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
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God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat