The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
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*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Who does Amazon think I am?
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*