@TheDreamGhoul: The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don't know why we keep having to say this.
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@ZiddiAkki: Me washing my car Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
@iinkedZombie: Flight attendant: sir, you can't bring that on the plane. Me: this is my emotional support chainsaw.
@julietactually: [taking the witness stand] "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but—" *leaning into the mic* I choose dare
@CAshmanActor: [CRIME SCENE] COP: This looks like lead poisoning to me! PENCIL: *Tugs nervously at his collar*