The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.

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[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie


I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.


<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife


For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.

So, yeah, you’re right.


[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]

neighbor: hey there

me: greetums


The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”


To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.

You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”


The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.


ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant