@TheDreamGhoul

The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.

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@bobvulfov

[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie

@PetrickSara

I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.

@caseytduncan

<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife

@sarcasticmommy4

For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.

So, yeah, you’re right.

@bobvulfov

[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]

neighbor: hey there

me: greetums

@IamEveryDayPpl

The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”

@causticbob

To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.

You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”

@decentbirthday

The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.

@Home_Halfway

ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant