The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
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Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.