ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
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Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Tomorrow I’m gonna chase someone…like really run after them..screaming and everything.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
king solomon out here designing minivans