The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
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I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
They did not miss in the small print
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.