@NrouteHQ

The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums

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@mommajessiec

Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.

@HLFHM

A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”

Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit

@daemonic3

[math class]

ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place

STUDENT: what’s the point?

ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway

STUDENT: I mean in that number

ME: oh, that’s the decimal

@JoParkerBear

Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase

@BBQJones28

Tomorrow I’m gonna chase someone…like really run after them..screaming and everything.

@FatherWithTwins

My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.