me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
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Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas