The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
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Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you