The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
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*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!