The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
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Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Probably my best painting.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this