[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
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“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
He-man has a Masters degree
Not today. 😅
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.