The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
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Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
So inspired right now.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.