The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
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[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????