The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
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You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
when nothing goes right… go left
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb